Constantly talking isn't necessarily communicating.

I need to slow down on my drinking. Its not funny anymore.

On the other hand, I notice I have incredibly little patience for people, but I act patient towards them. Why? If I think you're being goddamn ridiculous, I should just say so. Unfortunately, it would get taken out of hand and blah blah blah more drama to add. Super lame man. People are so touchy. Its weird how I feel like I am asked to invest alot of my time into other people's lives, like its my responsibility or something. No. If we're friends, I will genuinely want to help and spend time with you. And I will do it to the best of my ability, but I can't put my whole life on hold. My work days are usually 12 hours and I'm always running around when I'm not working. I just want some time alone to paint or just listen to music and nap maybe. I shouldn't complain though, its only my fault for answering my phone.

I'm also exhausted from relationships. Mine, and everybody else's. I used to be allllllll about them. Now I just wish none of them existed. We all fight about stupid shit, and make stupid decisions to pair with an argument after. Its the most inane vicious circle ever. Personally, I just want someone to hang out with. I don't want to hear that I'm loved, I don't want to be flirted with, I don't want to be complimented. I just want a friend to laugh and hangout with. But I guess feelings are more complicated than that. If its always going to be high stress though, I'd rather just be alone and oblivious to the idea that there are people to fall in love with. Being without someone is nowhere near the end of the world anyway.

Lets be realistic though, I could never just be alone. I'm naturally one of those people that likes to care for others. I'm a nanny for god's sake, I like taking care of people. I went to go visit Drew for a bit yesterday. He looks alot better. I think it was the first time I'd spoon fed a grown man ice cream haha. But it wasn't awkward at all, and I was happy to be able to help. Armour was asleep on the couch. Even though we're a mess all the time, it was still immeadiate instinct to get him a pillow and put it under his head. And I did it without even thinking.

The other thing I've noticed about myself is a)I'm horribly self centered and b)Poor and slightly damaged people are obnoxiously attractive to me. Again, I think this is probably because I like taking care of people, and I just want to help. Christopher had alot of fucked up shit going on in his life. I'm actually really proud of him though, he's given himself an oppurtunity to do something with his life when it looked impossible. Zoran lost his mom at 18, and carried a whole fuckload of baggage with that. Armourtime. He's one of the people that frustrates me more than anyone. He's stubborn and can be quick to anger. The most frustrating part is I'm the exact same way. I feel like we're magnets. One minute, we're glued, and its hard to pry us apart. The next minute, its like there's this invisible force field keeping us bouncing off the other, and all around.

This is probably the most personal and uncensored entry I've written. Its funny how you think a journal will help you release some stress and you just end up keeping alot of it inside for fear of hurting someone's feelings. Oh the irony makes me want to spoon out my eyeballs and get someone to eat them in the dark by telling them they're grapes. Thats rude Amy.

Okaaaaaaaaaay okay okaaaaaaaay

This isn't right. It wasn't so hard after the first call I missed. Its not easy for me to act like this.

I know this isn't right. I need to detach. At least for a couple months. The last straw thing has been happening since December. I don't know why we can't seem to figure out there are no more straws.

Miss you.

Lets.

Its time that we played the way you play.

If I had to fight someone, anyone,

it would be you.

I've got a 20 dollar bill that says your bad attitude doesn't care much about you either.

Oopsie doodle

I drank entirely too many different things last night, and got in big trouble with Matty. I was supposed to leave the boat at midnight to come to his house, but I left about an hour late and showed up obnoxiously drunk. Which was totally shitty of me. He was really upset and I told him it was totally justified, and that it was completely my mistake. As unpleasant as someone being angry with you when you're drunk is, what really stopped me in my tracks was that he was worried more than anything. He got on his bike at god knows what time to come find me so I could get to his house safely. Unfortunately my phone was dead, so I didn't know, but we ended up arriving at his house at the same time. I can't really remember much of the fight, but I do remember how very safe I felt once I got there.

I woke up in his pyjamas while he was pulling the covers on me because I was shivering this morning.

Thank you.

Its almost 6am

I wish I could just call you up and we would go adventuring.