I'm supposed to be sleeping, but thats for bitches.

I have to be in the shower at 6am. I don't think I've ever been so homesick for somewhere thats not actually my home. I feel very entangled in the intricacies of people's lives and I don't know how it got this way. Thats a lie, I know how it got this way.

Seeing pictures of the fam when you guys were all my age (no offense meant, for realz) it makes me want to take away all of the hurt, all of the grudges, all the things that ever made you lose a little of your friendship and put it all back together. I want you to party like its 1999 again. I want so much just for one day to see all of you happy together. I think we all need a little more togetherhappytime.

I'd also like to hand out a big fucking thank you. To everybody.

Wow, I wasn't expecting this to be sappy. Oopsie doodle. But also, sincerely.

One hour until showertime. I went looking through some photo albums my parents have today. Most of the pictures are of me. I felt embarrassed after I looked through them. I had a ridiculously happy childhood. And what have I done with it? Moved myself to the big city and become a spoiled brat. I'm not angry about it though, it just makes me want to be better. It makes me want my parents to be proud. But I don't even know how to tell them thank you for everything. And that just makes me ashamed of myself. It doesn't even make any sense, I'm definitely an affectionate person. I am absolutely driven by emotions all the time. So why is it so hard for me to show it to the people who decided I should be a part of this world. I keep thinking about my mom. I mean, if I'm having all this trouble trying to figure out a way to be a better daughter, because I can't bear to think what it would be like without her, how does she feel. We're so much alike, and her mother is not only slowly passing away, but forgetting. I know its a way of life, and everyone keeps warning me that it might be really weird to see grandma. I'm sure it will be but I'm not worried about me. I'm worried about my mom. I'm worried about her mother feeling like she's forgetting her daughter.

Thinking about death, I don't really understand it. Just the idea that someone has POOF vanished is unbearable. I almost want to ask myself where are they if they're not here.

I know that my brother and Matty are right, the world is corrupt and we will continue to make it worse. The world is obviously no picnic. But I'd really like to think that you can balance that out with personal happiness.

I don't give a fuck if you think you're not good enough. I don't give a fuck if you haven't done laundry in an anonymous amount of time. I don't care that you're messy. I don't care that you think you're boring. I think you're amazing. I don't care that a shower is not your priority. I don't care that you think you're balding. I don't care that you're broke. I'm broke too. I hope you can find an alternative to worrying about this stuff. Because it doesn't really matter, not in the great scheme of things. I can finally say I like you for whatever makes you the way you are. I just like it. I don't even give a fuck if you don't feel the same. This is how I feel.