Well well well. This is what happens when I run my mouth.

Fucking shenanigans man, this is SO lame. You're only happy when things are a mess, as much as I'm sure you'd protest, its true.

*dramatic sigh* You exhaust me. Oh! *false faint onto bed*

I've been avoiding this.

I felt like I had too many things to say. But now I know EXACTLY what I want to say. This has probably been the strangest and most trying two months of willpower. I feel like some would argue. Whatever.

I had a ton of things happen that I didn't want to happen. People talking, animosity between friends, skeletons in closets, the truth. I tried to leave. I tried to leave so many times. At least three. I never used to be like that. I felt like it was too much trouble. Also, I am confident in the fact that I'm not completely obnoxious in my requests, having known what its like to be a needy girl for some time. But that all ended almost a year ago. And here I am, in 2010, saying, this is what I need, and if that can't happen, if that doesn't work for you, then cool, lets drop it. I really feel like I'm too special to be on the backburner. And I think every girl should feel that way.

Its unfortunate, but I have little faith in the opposite sex when it comes to relationships. Thats probably why its so easy for me to say "alright, I'm done." But I was shown that wasn't always the best solution. That hurts people. Its hard for everyone to admit they're wrong, and especially for me. Even though I felt justified in having a "Fuck it, and fuck you" attitude, its true, you should try and aim for somewhere in the middle.

I hate when people ask about me and Armour. Oooooh names. I hate it though. Ask later, ask in a couple months. I do talk about it, but to those I feel close to. And I try not to shove it in anyone's face. So here's the truth. I feel like the dust is starting to settle, everything is still a little weird, but somehow we made it. I'm pretty damn surprised. But happy. Really happy. Its been the most ridiculous two months, and only two months, which in the great scheme of things, is not very much at all. But its been fun, we've both learned things, pushed each other, tried to understand. Actually understood. Not only that, got balls deep in feelings for each other, and other people, and admitted to it.

There was so much noone saw, and I was reminded of that when I was in bed yesterday, bored out of my gourd and decided to go through the pictures on my phone. There were so many things that made me go "wow, that was a really fun day." There are so many. I wasn't expecting it. It helped me come to terms with the fact that forgiveness is just as important as saying you're sorry.

So, thank you. Nothing lasts forever, and I never look at it that way anyway, but that doesn't mean it wasn't meaningful.

I'm back in this cold cluttered room that has a habit of eating my possessions, back in this really tiny bed with one deflated pillow and a comforter that looks like it died last summer, back beside the hairiest person I know, and a really good friend.

This picture was taken in the middle of a sword fight. With one sword. It turned into a "lets see whose hair can stand up higher" competition. I love it.

Goodnight moon.

I wish it would snow for Christmas.

There are so many things, so many things happening lately, and I feel like I'm chasing after them.

I miss my family. Alot of people have been telling me its lucky that I don't have them for Christmas, but truthfully, I'm really sad. I'm really excited about Orphan's Christmas though, and it most definitely wouldn't be happening without Flu.

I have to get sausage meat for stuffing.

Its funny how many things change in such little time. Its not funny actually, its just fact and somehow I haven't gotten used to it being expected.

Andrew and I barely talk anymore. But I think thats a difference of character more than anything. Its almost awkward, the strong dislike of each other is thick, and hangs around whenever we communicate. Still, I try not to be mean, and I don't think I am. And still, he always ends up getting mad, and then we talk less. I hope it gets better.

I learned something about people in the last little while. Sometimes, people WANT a problem. I remember fighting with someone the way I see people fight now, and most of the time, it doesn't need to happen. This isn't highschool, not everything is the end of the world. Everyone is allowed to be upset but don't drag it out. Its not worth it.

Things with people, friendships, relationships, even people that barely know each other, will never be flawless. You can't fix everything. Its impossible. Choose your battles kids, its hard to swallow at first, but in the long run, its for the better. We just need to shut up long enough to actually listen to someone else, other than the insistent voice in our heads that screams "I'MRIGHTI'MRIGHTI'MRIGHTI'MRIGHT!!!!"

But what do I know hahahaha.

LW has been in Halifax since the 17th, and while I'm really excited for him to come home, its been nice having this time apart. It was needed, after all the shenanigans that went down in the past month and a half. Real time apart. Where its actually not possible to see the other. I was so happy for him when he found out he gets to go to France in March. I think thats really amazing. And if this keeps happening, these little breaks will help I'm sure.

I was going to write more, but I'll save that for another time.

Human of the year

People disgust me.

I am truly waiting for the apocalypse.

Sha la la la la la la la

I visited Zoran last night. Well, I guess he kind of visited me, but at his house. I reached out, maybe foolishly. I think more than anything I just had to face it. It was all too easy walking away from him. I knew it. Being in his house made me miss it there. But the nostalgia did not come without all the reasons I left. One day I hope to have the security he gave me. I felt as if we would never part until I gave the word. I was right. It was so warm and loving. But it prevented me from doing things I wanted to.

He was kind of mean, bitter. But I guess thats only fair. He said he had met three women in the past month. All of them 30. This disappointed me. Had he reverted straight back to what he was? Or was he never different in the first place? Or was this just Steve being Steve. Whatever. No matter the reason, I could tell he was still glad to see me. I apologized for everything. He deserved to hear it. Even though eh was kind of a nutcase sometimes.

He wanted me to stay. I contemplated this, and decided against it. Everything was too damaged. The pieces of what we were just hung in the air before us. Like ornaments with no Christmas tree. And so, I left.

I woke up this morning with a fever, puffy eyes, and a clearer head. I don't think I'll ever go back. But it was nice to visit, even if it was in the dead of the night.

This goody two shoes makes me want to barf.

Crawled out of the sea

One day, you're going to have to fight me, and you're going to lose.

I was thinking about relationships today and how they make us feel a plethora of different things. For many, its a craze. All logic goes out the window when infatuation is involved. And this absolute insanity is left. Its not all bad really, but its like you don't know what to do with it. You feel too much. I remember it so well with Christopher, and for so long, I felt like it was just me. Like we weren't on the same page.

But when it came right down to the bitter end, we were the same. Crazy.

Both of us, equally at fault. I hated and loved him just as he hated and loved me. We pushed it away when it was broken because it was undeniably unbearable. We didn't know everything about each other, but we knew the bottom line. It still makes us shaky. It makes me feel better coming to terms with that now I guess. We might meet for drinks in a couple weeks. Its weird, I couldn't stand not being with him before, and now I'm fine with staying away. I have no urge to contact him.

This is a comparison, and I don't give a fuck if it doesn't make sense to anyone but me.

I need to remove myself from the girl I am with LW. She's like a sister that I never had. I hate and love her. She's selfless, and selfish. I'm glad I have her back though, she really does care. She cared about Christopher. And now she cares about LW.

I want to make him frustrated, I want to make him hurt. I want to make him a less selfish person. Its mean I guess, but its true. And yes its illogical, and yes I'm a bitch, but I don't care. It drives me nuts that he can just do whatever he wants and I have to sit here and stew. Like some dried out Mr.Noodles. How pathetic.

On the other hand, everything is amazing. But I can't forget what it says between the lines. I've tried. I'm really tired of swallowing things. I'm fed up.

Its time for a break, its time to clear my head.