I'm supposed to be sleeping, but thats for bitches.

I have to be in the shower at 6am. I don't think I've ever been so homesick for somewhere thats not actually my home. I feel very entangled in the intricacies of people's lives and I don't know how it got this way. Thats a lie, I know how it got this way.

Seeing pictures of the fam when you guys were all my age (no offense meant, for realz) it makes me want to take away all of the hurt, all of the grudges, all the things that ever made you lose a little of your friendship and put it all back together. I want you to party like its 1999 again. I want so much just for one day to see all of you happy together. I think we all need a little more togetherhappytime.

I'd also like to hand out a big fucking thank you. To everybody.

Wow, I wasn't expecting this to be sappy. Oopsie doodle. But also, sincerely.

One hour until showertime. I went looking through some photo albums my parents have today. Most of the pictures are of me. I felt embarrassed after I looked through them. I had a ridiculously happy childhood. And what have I done with it? Moved myself to the big city and become a spoiled brat. I'm not angry about it though, it just makes me want to be better. It makes me want my parents to be proud. But I don't even know how to tell them thank you for everything. And that just makes me ashamed of myself. It doesn't even make any sense, I'm definitely an affectionate person. I am absolutely driven by emotions all the time. So why is it so hard for me to show it to the people who decided I should be a part of this world. I keep thinking about my mom. I mean, if I'm having all this trouble trying to figure out a way to be a better daughter, because I can't bear to think what it would be like without her, how does she feel. We're so much alike, and her mother is not only slowly passing away, but forgetting. I know its a way of life, and everyone keeps warning me that it might be really weird to see grandma. I'm sure it will be but I'm not worried about me. I'm worried about my mom. I'm worried about her mother feeling like she's forgetting her daughter.

Thinking about death, I don't really understand it. Just the idea that someone has POOF vanished is unbearable. I almost want to ask myself where are they if they're not here.

I know that my brother and Matty are right, the world is corrupt and we will continue to make it worse. The world is obviously no picnic. But I'd really like to think that you can balance that out with personal happiness.

I don't give a fuck if you think you're not good enough. I don't give a fuck if you haven't done laundry in an anonymous amount of time. I don't care that you're messy. I don't care that you think you're boring. I think you're amazing. I don't care that a shower is not your priority. I don't care that you think you're balding. I don't care that you're broke. I'm broke too. I hope you can find an alternative to worrying about this stuff. Because it doesn't really matter, not in the great scheme of things. I can finally say I like you for whatever makes you the way you are. I just like it. I don't even give a fuck if you don't feel the same. This is how I feel.

Constantly talking isn't necessarily communicating.

I need to slow down on my drinking. Its not funny anymore.

On the other hand, I notice I have incredibly little patience for people, but I act patient towards them. Why? If I think you're being goddamn ridiculous, I should just say so. Unfortunately, it would get taken out of hand and blah blah blah more drama to add. Super lame man. People are so touchy. Its weird how I feel like I am asked to invest alot of my time into other people's lives, like its my responsibility or something. No. If we're friends, I will genuinely want to help and spend time with you. And I will do it to the best of my ability, but I can't put my whole life on hold. My work days are usually 12 hours and I'm always running around when I'm not working. I just want some time alone to paint or just listen to music and nap maybe. I shouldn't complain though, its only my fault for answering my phone.

I'm also exhausted from relationships. Mine, and everybody else's. I used to be allllllll about them. Now I just wish none of them existed. We all fight about stupid shit, and make stupid decisions to pair with an argument after. Its the most inane vicious circle ever. Personally, I just want someone to hang out with. I don't want to hear that I'm loved, I don't want to be flirted with, I don't want to be complimented. I just want a friend to laugh and hangout with. But I guess feelings are more complicated than that. If its always going to be high stress though, I'd rather just be alone and oblivious to the idea that there are people to fall in love with. Being without someone is nowhere near the end of the world anyway.

Lets be realistic though, I could never just be alone. I'm naturally one of those people that likes to care for others. I'm a nanny for god's sake, I like taking care of people. I went to go visit Drew for a bit yesterday. He looks alot better. I think it was the first time I'd spoon fed a grown man ice cream haha. But it wasn't awkward at all, and I was happy to be able to help. Armour was asleep on the couch. Even though we're a mess all the time, it was still immeadiate instinct to get him a pillow and put it under his head. And I did it without even thinking.

The other thing I've noticed about myself is a)I'm horribly self centered and b)Poor and slightly damaged people are obnoxiously attractive to me. Again, I think this is probably because I like taking care of people, and I just want to help. Christopher had alot of fucked up shit going on in his life. I'm actually really proud of him though, he's given himself an oppurtunity to do something with his life when it looked impossible. Zoran lost his mom at 18, and carried a whole fuckload of baggage with that. Armourtime. He's one of the people that frustrates me more than anyone. He's stubborn and can be quick to anger. The most frustrating part is I'm the exact same way. I feel like we're magnets. One minute, we're glued, and its hard to pry us apart. The next minute, its like there's this invisible force field keeping us bouncing off the other, and all around.

This is probably the most personal and uncensored entry I've written. Its funny how you think a journal will help you release some stress and you just end up keeping alot of it inside for fear of hurting someone's feelings. Oh the irony makes me want to spoon out my eyeballs and get someone to eat them in the dark by telling them they're grapes. Thats rude Amy.

Okaaaaaaaaaay okay okaaaaaaaay

This isn't right. It wasn't so hard after the first call I missed. Its not easy for me to act like this.

I know this isn't right. I need to detach. At least for a couple months. The last straw thing has been happening since December. I don't know why we can't seem to figure out there are no more straws.

Miss you.

Lets.

Its time that we played the way you play.

If I had to fight someone, anyone,

it would be you.

I've got a 20 dollar bill that says your bad attitude doesn't care much about you either.

Oopsie doodle

I drank entirely too many different things last night, and got in big trouble with Matty. I was supposed to leave the boat at midnight to come to his house, but I left about an hour late and showed up obnoxiously drunk. Which was totally shitty of me. He was really upset and I told him it was totally justified, and that it was completely my mistake. As unpleasant as someone being angry with you when you're drunk is, what really stopped me in my tracks was that he was worried more than anything. He got on his bike at god knows what time to come find me so I could get to his house safely. Unfortunately my phone was dead, so I didn't know, but we ended up arriving at his house at the same time. I can't really remember much of the fight, but I do remember how very safe I felt once I got there.

I woke up in his pyjamas while he was pulling the covers on me because I was shivering this morning.

Thank you.

Its almost 6am

I wish I could just call you up and we would go adventuring.