Last night, I dreamt I had to save a thousand baby chicks

This flightless bird may be pointing to personal characteristics and needs that you may not necessarily want to look at. Consider the activities in the dream, as well as the mood, and then attempt to make a good interpretation. Chickens can represent cowardliness, gossip, excessive talking, and powerlessness. They are not known for their intelligence or beauty, and their presence in your dream could be an invitation to get more serious and better focused. The more positive suggestion in this dream is in that chickens lay eggs. Eggs are symbolic of something new and fragile. They represent life and development in its earliest forms and as such, their possibilities are limitless.

If thats the way you want to play it,

I'm ready.

I hate being introspective.

I tell myself its not true, I act like its not true, but I'm still crushed. Going back won't do any good, its a cycle for us.

I still feel like we're just letting it slip away and I can barely stand it. The worst part is I know he's not looking back. But I can't even turn around.

I'm supposed to be sleeping, but thats for bitches.

I have to be in the shower at 6am. I don't think I've ever been so homesick for somewhere thats not actually my home. I feel very entangled in the intricacies of people's lives and I don't know how it got this way. Thats a lie, I know how it got this way.

Seeing pictures of the fam when you guys were all my age (no offense meant, for realz) it makes me want to take away all of the hurt, all of the grudges, all the things that ever made you lose a little of your friendship and put it all back together. I want you to party like its 1999 again. I want so much just for one day to see all of you happy together. I think we all need a little more togetherhappytime.

I'd also like to hand out a big fucking thank you. To everybody.

Wow, I wasn't expecting this to be sappy. Oopsie doodle. But also, sincerely.

One hour until showertime. I went looking through some photo albums my parents have today. Most of the pictures are of me. I felt embarrassed after I looked through them. I had a ridiculously happy childhood. And what have I done with it? Moved myself to the big city and become a spoiled brat. I'm not angry about it though, it just makes me want to be better. It makes me want my parents to be proud. But I don't even know how to tell them thank you for everything. And that just makes me ashamed of myself. It doesn't even make any sense, I'm definitely an affectionate person. I am absolutely driven by emotions all the time. So why is it so hard for me to show it to the people who decided I should be a part of this world. I keep thinking about my mom. I mean, if I'm having all this trouble trying to figure out a way to be a better daughter, because I can't bear to think what it would be like without her, how does she feel. We're so much alike, and her mother is not only slowly passing away, but forgetting. I know its a way of life, and everyone keeps warning me that it might be really weird to see grandma. I'm sure it will be but I'm not worried about me. I'm worried about my mom. I'm worried about her mother feeling like she's forgetting her daughter.

Thinking about death, I don't really understand it. Just the idea that someone has POOF vanished is unbearable. I almost want to ask myself where are they if they're not here.

I know that my brother and Matty are right, the world is corrupt and we will continue to make it worse. The world is obviously no picnic. But I'd really like to think that you can balance that out with personal happiness.

I don't give a fuck if you think you're not good enough. I don't give a fuck if you haven't done laundry in an anonymous amount of time. I don't care that you're messy. I don't care that you think you're boring. I think you're amazing. I don't care that a shower is not your priority. I don't care that you think you're balding. I don't care that you're broke. I'm broke too. I hope you can find an alternative to worrying about this stuff. Because it doesn't really matter, not in the great scheme of things. I can finally say I like you for whatever makes you the way you are. I just like it. I don't even give a fuck if you don't feel the same. This is how I feel.

Constantly talking isn't necessarily communicating.

I need to slow down on my drinking. Its not funny anymore.

On the other hand, I notice I have incredibly little patience for people, but I act patient towards them. Why? If I think you're being goddamn ridiculous, I should just say so. Unfortunately, it would get taken out of hand and blah blah blah more drama to add. Super lame man. People are so touchy. Its weird how I feel like I am asked to invest alot of my time into other people's lives, like its my responsibility or something. No. If we're friends, I will genuinely want to help and spend time with you. And I will do it to the best of my ability, but I can't put my whole life on hold. My work days are usually 12 hours and I'm always running around when I'm not working. I just want some time alone to paint or just listen to music and nap maybe. I shouldn't complain though, its only my fault for answering my phone.

I'm also exhausted from relationships. Mine, and everybody else's. I used to be allllllll about them. Now I just wish none of them existed. We all fight about stupid shit, and make stupid decisions to pair with an argument after. Its the most inane vicious circle ever. Personally, I just want someone to hang out with. I don't want to hear that I'm loved, I don't want to be flirted with, I don't want to be complimented. I just want a friend to laugh and hangout with. But I guess feelings are more complicated than that. If its always going to be high stress though, I'd rather just be alone and oblivious to the idea that there are people to fall in love with. Being without someone is nowhere near the end of the world anyway.

Lets be realistic though, I could never just be alone. I'm naturally one of those people that likes to care for others. I'm a nanny for god's sake, I like taking care of people. I went to go visit Drew for a bit yesterday. He looks alot better. I think it was the first time I'd spoon fed a grown man ice cream haha. But it wasn't awkward at all, and I was happy to be able to help. Armour was asleep on the couch. Even though we're a mess all the time, it was still immeadiate instinct to get him a pillow and put it under his head. And I did it without even thinking.

The other thing I've noticed about myself is a)I'm horribly self centered and b)Poor and slightly damaged people are obnoxiously attractive to me. Again, I think this is probably because I like taking care of people, and I just want to help. Christopher had alot of fucked up shit going on in his life. I'm actually really proud of him though, he's given himself an oppurtunity to do something with his life when it looked impossible. Zoran lost his mom at 18, and carried a whole fuckload of baggage with that. Armourtime. He's one of the people that frustrates me more than anyone. He's stubborn and can be quick to anger. The most frustrating part is I'm the exact same way. I feel like we're magnets. One minute, we're glued, and its hard to pry us apart. The next minute, its like there's this invisible force field keeping us bouncing off the other, and all around.

This is probably the most personal and uncensored entry I've written. Its funny how you think a journal will help you release some stress and you just end up keeping alot of it inside for fear of hurting someone's feelings. Oh the irony makes me want to spoon out my eyeballs and get someone to eat them in the dark by telling them they're grapes. Thats rude Amy.

Okaaaaaaaaaay okay okaaaaaaaay

This isn't right. It wasn't so hard after the first call I missed. Its not easy for me to act like this.

I know this isn't right. I need to detach. At least for a couple months. The last straw thing has been happening since December. I don't know why we can't seem to figure out there are no more straws.

Miss you.

Lets.

Its time that we played the way you play.

If I had to fight someone, anyone,

it would be you.

I've got a 20 dollar bill that says your bad attitude doesn't care much about you either.

Oopsie doodle

I drank entirely too many different things last night, and got in big trouble with Matty. I was supposed to leave the boat at midnight to come to his house, but I left about an hour late and showed up obnoxiously drunk. Which was totally shitty of me. He was really upset and I told him it was totally justified, and that it was completely my mistake. As unpleasant as someone being angry with you when you're drunk is, what really stopped me in my tracks was that he was worried more than anything. He got on his bike at god knows what time to come find me so I could get to his house safely. Unfortunately my phone was dead, so I didn't know, but we ended up arriving at his house at the same time. I can't really remember much of the fight, but I do remember how very safe I felt once I got there.

I woke up in his pyjamas while he was pulling the covers on me because I was shivering this morning.

Thank you.

Its almost 6am

I wish I could just call you up and we would go adventuring.

I hate when this happens.

God, just leave it alone.

Its my mom's birthday today!

My mom rules. We're going to get pedicures in an hour or two. Yaaaaaaaay!

Things otherwise have been gooooood, I'm working, I have that book to illustrate, I got into school. Lots of things to do to make all those things happen, but I'm happy to do it.

Even Matty and I have been better. I won't cross my fingers or anything, unfortunately these things tend to change pretty quickly. But for now, its really nice to finally catch a break. It feels like we're getting back some of the time that got lost in all the shenanigans when this started. I've come to terms with the fact that we're not in love, I don't know if we'll ever be, and both of us will always be stubborn, and quick to shut off the other person. That never used to be okay with me, but I feel good about it now. I'll probably never admit this to him, but I learned alot of things in the past six months. Alot of things that I thought I'd never be able to learn with Christopher. Like how to be alone. I know this sounds ridiculous, but I love the amount of space we have. I see him almost everyday, and he calls me everyday and we still both have time and space to ourselves. We can be in the same room doing different things, and thats fine with me. I don't feel like I'm settling. And we still have time that we spend with each other. And when we fight, sure its no fun, but space does us good. I guess I kind of learned this from my mom too, she used to SMOTHER me. But the more space you give someone, the more likely it is that they'll want to spend time with you.

I should go shower. Haha Flu is outside in my Zoran sweater. There's ice cream on the sleeves, I feel grossed out for him.

Happy Wednesday everybody:)

Aw man, you used to be mediocre.

And now you're LAAAAAAAAME. Thats sad. But you know what, your crazy antics are alllllll for your friends. I'm actually really stoked I don't have to see you and them anymore. It kind of scared me honestly. Ya'll think you're SO HARD. Whereas, I just know I'm silly hahaha. SO don't get all mad at me for not coming to your show, when I'm broke, and I already said sorry, and you're boring as hell anyways. Thats why I always got so high before I came to your house hahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha

Us

They made a statue of us
And it put it on a mountain top
Now tourists come and stare at us
Blow bubbles with their gum
Take photographs for fun, for fun

They'll name a city after us
And later say it's all our fault
Then they'll give us a talking to
Then they'll give us a talking to
Because they've got years of experience
We're living in a den of thieves
Rummaging for answers in the pages
We're living in a den of thieves
And it's contagious

I almost made this something it shouldn't be.

But you know what? I want to watch this happen for awhile, to see if it actually will.

Them ice boots are coming back on until the sun shines.

Platonic friends

You've kept me going, for the past two and a half years.

And most of the time, I'm conversing with a faceless, bodyless idea of you.

I wonder if thats how you know for sure.

Back on my feet

Those we the yuckiest couple weeks ever!

But

I'm back and feeling divine!

I'm getting things done that I should be, I'm working really hard to get all my ducks in a row to be a nanny. I called most of my references today, let them know what was going on and 4 out of 6 are really happy with what I'm doing! I haven't been able to speak to the other 2 yet. I'm really excited about this. Its been awhile, but I must be confident! I love children, I babysat ALOT for a long time. I can do this. And I would like doing it. And I'll probably get better at cooking haha. And All my children's books will be of more use.

I'm really excited. I think I'm getting past some things. I'm so excited to be doing something like this for myself. Something I wanted to do, and just never thought as an option.

Nanny Amy

Hahahahahahahaha. Okay, I finished my craigslist post, so now its back to Lost. And then tomorrow to the doctor's! To the library! To the goddamn grocery store and laundromat!

Roar

Confuckyoulations

And now that its all over, I just don't care anymore.

I feel really angry.

I feel really hurt.

But I feel really free.

Thank you, and good night.

(this title is a silence)

It feels like you invited me over, but forgot that we'd be trying to play with something that was dead.

And now we're awkwardly sitting in the same room, our backs turned.

Freak out in a moonage daydream, oh yeah

I'm going to:

-watch Rome
-drink obnoxious amounts of liquids
-listen to alot of Lily Allen (yeah, whatever!)
-get real silly on t3s

And thats all I need.